Sometimes, an act of satire is the only recourse.
Special to Chicago Inter Ocean by Special Correspondent Igor Feldman
Dateline, Chicago, Columbus Day 2015
Special Report – Skulduggery in Ann Arbor
In the wake of Saturday’s unexpected drubbing of Northwestern University’s football squad by the University of Michigan, the Inter-Ocean can reveal shenanigans of unprecedented variety. Your correspondent met with Northwestern’s newly hired Head of Security, Plinkem Wooldridge, who explained the circumstances around his hiring, and the strange events that made it necessary.
“It was the strangest dad-gummed thing,” Wooldridge said, wiping the foam from his mustache. “Both of their coordinators, you know, the guys who run the offense and the defense, seemed confused and disoriented after the game. Neither was able to recall the events of the game, or in fact anything at all from late Friday night. That’s when they called me in. I’d seen cases like this before, and immediately got in touch with a forensic hypnotist, Babs Tinfoil. I’ve worked with her before, and she’s amazing. She was able to recover some memories, and then we looked at the hotel security footage. I had to get pretty loud about that, but they finally coughed it up. We saw folks in blue sneaking around the floor where the coordinators had their rooms. One of them disabled the security camera, but not before we got a look at his face. This is where my years of experience paid off. Knew him right away. Bunny Cheesepot is a well known criminal hypnotist, wanted in 17 nations and by Interpol. He’s a master of disguise, with the power to cloud men’s minds. Tell your readers not to try to apprehend him; just call 911 and follow him at a safe distance.
“Babs’ forensic reconstruction concludes that Cheesepot successfully hypnotized both coordinators into using the game plan for Eastern Illinois, instead of the carefully conceived and I must say elegant plan they had formulated for Michigan.
“I’ll say this, the NU administration is furious. Coach Fitz blew his stack. Measures will be taken. I’m not at liberty to discuss this, of course.”
There you have it, folks. Skulduggery worthy of a Belichick. How will Conference respond? Not at all, I fear. Conference Grand Moff Jim Delany, wakened from his Sunday afternoon nap, said only, “What? Michigan is good again? That’s great. Plans working. What? Hypnotize? I don’t know anything about that. Probably not against the rules.”
How will Northwestern respond? Following up a hint from Chief Wooldridge, I contacted Gennady Zarkov, head of NU’s new Patrick Ryan Center for Robotics and Artificial Intelligence. He said, “Sure, the Ditkabot. Easy. Maybe 8 feet tall. Doesn’t have to be very mobile, but the language is a problem. We are working on directional speakers. It’ll have facial recognition so it can identify this Harbaugh character, and project an audio stream that only Harbaugh can hear. It’ll probably start with ‘Harbaugh, get over here. What are you doing? You throw like a girl,’ and get nastier from there. We figure it’ll trigger post traumatic stress from Harbaugh’s Chicago Bears years. But mostly the Ditkabot will be a test bed for more commercial applications. I can’t talk about those.”
There you have it, friends. Next years’ game should be a donnybrook.